It’s a rare thing, that which can take a group of 24 men, each of whom know about half of the others somewhere along the way and completely new to the other half, put them together to play a game most of them have never played before, and have them dedicate themselves for the better part of a decade to its success. It’s rare, but it can happen. That thing…is the Ted Williams Memorial League. Simulation baseball.I will go on the record of saying…I’m not nearly as much of a nerd as this is going to sound like. But honestly…there are not many ways to make it sound cool, at least at first glance. No one has ever signed a huge contract, landed a big endorsement deal, or even gotten laid by a drunk chick for winning at sim baseball. Still, a little over five years ago, this guy I know Adam Darowski decided to start this thing called the TWML. I won’t bore you any more with the details about the league…if you know me, chances are I’ve tried to explain it to you several times over. I’ll just say if you want to see the league Click Here and if you want more information on what sim baseball is (Think of playing XBox/PS2 Career Mode…only with 23 other people and for a couple of “decades”) Click Here

I like to think of myself as a fairly easy going guy.  It takes a lot to get my feathers good and ruffled.  Shaken, maybe…plucked, perhaps…but not ruffled.  With that being said, something in the air today made me notice how many little things people do from day to day that just absolutely drive me nuts.  Call them quirks, call them pet peeves, call them Sally for all I care…but I think we’ve all got them.  Sometimes I wonder if it isn’t really a “me” problem, or if the problem should actually be owned by those who do the annoying things.  After a lot of soul searching, a hard look in the mirror, and some deep thought…I’m completely convinced, it’s all them crazy fuckers.  Don’t try pinning your inadequacies on me. 

Here’s a good example.  As many of you reading may know, I work for a Credit Union that services state employees.  I’m not a scientist, but I’m pretty sure that State Employees could be classified as their own specific bread of people.  I fully believe some jobs require you to only have 60% of the average person’s common sense to get a job for the state.  Not surprisingly, this leads to some free on-the-job entertainment most days.  Today, I answered a phone call for a woman who very promptly gave me her name, her birthday, and account number.  As I’m typing this in, I start to reply, “What can I help you win today, ma’am?”  Yeah…I got about three words in, and she had already cut me off to say, “Excuse me, there is a password on my account and you did NOT ask for it like you are supposed to.”  First off…its times like this I really wish I had a chorus of ghetto teenagers recorded at my desk, so all I’d have to do is push a button and have “Oh no she didn’t” piped into the phone call.  Second, I’m still typing.   Give a guy a minute.  Lastly, if your question does not relate to your account, I’m not going to ask you for your password.  Why waste your time, and mine, asking you for an account password when your question is going to be about what time we open in the morning?  This brings me to, “Things that Annoy Kearns #1”…People who have never done my job telling me how to do my job.  Let’s be honest…most state employees only do their own jobs for about 2 hours a day anyway…who the hell made them God of mine?  You trust your plumber to do your plumbing…you trust your landscaper to cut your grass…trust your Kearns to protect your money.  I get paid very well to be very good at my job.  I’m on it.  I promise.

And just to get it out of my system…one more work story.  “Things That Annoy Kearns #2”…unnecessary S’s on the end of words.  Am I the only one who wants to punch people who constantly pluralize words which do not need pluralized?  I was talking to a woman today about a transaction from her account from K-Mart.  NEVER, EVER dispute a transaction at your financial institution from a place like K-Mart.  In fact, don’t do anything to call attention to the fact that you have ever shopped, been inside, or even know the location of a K-Mart.  All it does is confirm what I was probably already thinking…that you’re at least 80% white trash.  It’s like calling in to say, “Those charges from that transvestite website…yeah, they charged me twice” and expecting me to still think your normal.  But I digress…the woman said at least nine separate times “K-Marts.”  Lady, there’s no frigging S on the end.  It’s one store.  So now not only are you dirty, you can’t speak properly.  You are all reading my blog here, so you know I’m no grammatical genius…but at least when I talk I don’t sound like a devolved retard. 

What makes it sad is…she had about four kids with her.  You know none of those kids have a chance with a white trash mother who can’t speak properly.  So there she is, having ruined at least five lives completely, all for some crooked little letter.  And I bet she says things like “warsh” and “ya’ll” and doesn’t even mean them in a funny way.  Mother of the year right there. 

 I didn’t mean to get into it here, but I guess I’ve sorta gotten off on “Things that Annoy Kearns # 3”…white trash who still think its ok to breed.  I’m sorry but you should have to take a fucking test in this country to have a kid.  You have to take a test to drive, carry a handgun, and even friggin swim in the deep end…but you don’t have to take a test to create life?  We trust anyone with that responsibility.  Yeah, obviously that’s gotten us far as a society.  It’s time we started looking at White Trash people in this country as what they are…and epidemic.  Take away their right to reproduce…and the problem is gone in one generation.  I still don’t know why the fuck that’d have to be MY generation, but whatever…I’ll try anything twice.  And, I have a dream.  I have a dream that one day my children will live in a nation where they will have to judge others NOT by the dirt on their face or the cut of their mullet, but by how good looking they are and what they can suck out of the relationship. 

But what do I know?  I just work here. 

 That’s all, folks.

So I’m checking out the ESPN.com corrections page…mostly because, well, I didn’t realize they had a corrections page. Currently, its link is sandwiched towards the bottom of the front page in 10 point type between a Le Anne Schreiber blog link (Yeah, I don’t know who she is either. I also don’t know who decided women should be talking about sports anyway. Wasn’t the right to vote and wear pants suits enough? I kid, I kid. But Seriously.) and sponsored links currently directing me to both a low interest credit card and a poker website to max it out on.This experience left me thinking about two key things. First off, I am absolutely enamored with the idea. Correcting everything in life should be this easy. Have one of those “not so sober” nights? No problem…the next day, you could simply say, “Last night, I drank too much. I did not intend to say what I said, do what I did, or leave with who I left with. Also, that cash I dropped, we’re going to have to take that back.” and then have all of your problems just disappear. Man, that’d be dope.

Isn’t it kind of funny that people always feel the need to make their first blog post an explanation of the purpose of the blog itself? I mean aren’t all blogs really out there to serve the same purpose…to allow nameless, faceless, and as oft is the case ball-less people express their opinion on politics, sports, religion, life and God knows what else? Now, one would think that once someone realizes such a cliched and mundane pattern, he or she would opt to not fall into line. Nope, not me. Not this fucking guy.

To be completely honest, my motivation behind doing this is at the moment pretty much just to leave my friends fewer random voicemails. This isn’t because I feel any less inclined to burden them with my ramblings, however. Really I’m just trying to use fewer words. I figure why waste my valuable time talking to several people, when I can just cover all my bases with one broad stroke. See, look at me…all about the productivity.

In short, there really is no telling what I’ll find to write about from one blog to the next. Like now for example, I just sorta sat down and started typing and this is the piece we’re left with. Sometimes I’m sure I’ll end up sharing funny stories, which for some reason seem to happen upon me more than most. Sometimes I’ll let out whatever random thought is eating away at me at a given moment. If you’re lucky, I’ll occasionally find time to solve all the worlds problems. And if you’re asking yourself, “why hasn’t the world called to ask your opinion on all it’s problems, Kearns?”…all I can say is, I’ve been wondering the same fucking thing all day. Glad you brought it up. Really kills any awkward overtones. Stay Tuned.